My head is pounding quietly from lack of sleep.
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Love & Hope, Ozomatli

clearly Confused. about nothing, and Everything.

an organized Disaster. my list of Uncompleted items.

sadly Excited. seeing a friend Without friends.

a guilty Pleasure. loving to Hate him.

gracefully Clumsy. a perfect Blunder.

daringly Afraid. to Successfully fail.

a free caged bird. in infinite Boundaries.

a found Missing piece. the Discovered lost words.

subtle Screaming. from the Quiet rage.

questionable Accord. dizzy from Disproportional balance.

i guess today, i'm just calmly irritated.

Happy Birthday Princesa!!!!!
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: Onda, Los Lonely Boys
I'm not a poet, but here is some 2nd grade poetry for my sweet little JP!

It was the 8th day of October
two thousand and two
In that room at Good Sam
you were about to come soon
Your mommy was ready
big bag full of film
So daddy can snap away pictures
as you entered this world
Your fingers were long
little nails were perfection
I just sat and stared amazed
at this little creation
Now you're talking and walking
blowing kisses and more
With those big beautiful eyes
I can't help but adore!
You bring me sunshine
with that cute little smile
And always crack me up
with your million hair styles
So my sweet Little Jacqueline
Have a Happy 2nd Birthday
From one Libra to the Other
Enjoy all of your day!


Besitos - Tia Beeehhhyyyyyy

No Pain, No Gain (or Loss?)
Mood:  hungry
Now Playing: How Fine is That, Karl Denson's Tiny Universe
Man, It's been a while since I last updated my blog. Sometimes it's very effortless, other times it's the last thing I want to think about. Today it's the latter.

Last week was a great birthday week. Turning 29 gets easier every year. I was so overwhelmed with the number of people that remembered my birthday and sent me b-day wishes. Wow, it was so nice, especially considering that I am the absolute worst friend when it comes to remembering b-days and - even worse - actually mailing a card. I'm getting better with e-Cards. I had a nice afternoon with my coworkers, having a few drinks on company time followed by dinner w/ my family and the kids. It was the perfect day!

I am so sore today. I haven't been this sore in a while - exercise-induced pain that is. ;-) My legs feel like they been put through a salt-water taffy machine and stretched out beyond their limits. Walking today was a challenge alone, not to mention climbing the stairs. Even so, it's worth it, its good pain. It's that post exercise burn that instantly puts you in a love-hate relationship with the gym. I've been doing these classes at our gym and for the first time in a LONG time I actually enjoy exercising. I love playing sports and being competitive in a team environment....but these classes give me a chance to compete with myself. If I suck. It's just me sucking and no one else. It's amazing how far you can push yourself, especially physically. The body just goes. Right now I'm doing cardio kickboxing 2X a week, and a Plyometrics/Core Training class 2X. They are both very different, and for the time being I have exchanged the bulk of my boring rat lab exercise machine and weights for these classes. I am not at a point that I can do these classes in addition to regular workouts - one day - just not now.

Last week I went out with my ex-boyfriend. On one had I am glad that we got a chance to get together and catch up, on the other, there was a point in the night that I just wished the night was over. It was awkward because he ended up crashing on my couch after having too many beers. I didn't mind, and was relieved he was gone when I woke up in the morning. It was odd for me. The guy that broke my heart at one point, now just reminded me of everything I didn't want in a relationship or in a man for that matter.

My niece wrote this excerpt in my birthday card, I am not sure where she took it from but I really like it:

He thought it was the biggest puddle he'd go sloshing through.
Turns out it was the smallest lake- and the deepest too.


It's all about perception.

I am all over the map today, my ADD is kicking in, I can't stick to one topic, this is a good indicator that I am tired and delerious. Time to check out... hasta la next time.

Crying a River
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: I'm Alright, Kenny Loggins
It's been a while since I've had a dream where I wake up sobbing. Last night was one of those nights. Almost as if all of the emotions that I had been feeling over the past week or so funneled through this dream, creating a massive flood of tears in my sleep. It's not uncommon for me to have vivid dreams, however most of the time the memory of the dreams fade within minutes. Last night I was so physically affected by this dream that I decided at 4 am to jot down a few things to help me remember in the morning.

It was a costume party in an outdoor setting, a large back yard by a river or a lakefront. There were outdoor lanterns hanging everywhere, garlands of outdoor lighting with big bulbs. A relatively large crowd of people in costumes and masks. I was dressed as a go go dancer from Austin Powers, with big white vinyl boots and blond hair - maybe I was a femme bot.

I was with my ex-boyfriend T, having a great time. I could "feel" the love between us in my dream, it was intense, just absolutely crazy about each other. We were laughing a lot (as we still do, even after all of these years) we were dancing, and kissing, and hugging. An intense feeling, I recall more than anything else.

The party then became chaotic, and people starting running around. T was holding my hand, I think we were trying to run and hide somewhere, and in that moment of chaos he's SHOT.... I don't know where the shot was fired from, or why, or who did it. I just remember he was shot in the back and he collapsed to the floor...he dies before my eyes.

I always find it completely amazing when you "feel" things in your dream, physically. I remember collapsing with him to the floor, while the rest of the guest trampled one another trying to escape. I couldn't move, I felt helpless and in shock, and the last I remember is watching him bleed, and eventually just die. On my Lap. I think in my dream, I felt that I died too.

Even thought I didn't shed a single tear while I watched T die, I woke up sobbing, the kind of crying that makes chest moves with ever sob. I felt emotional and drained, sad, yet relieved it was a dream.

After writing down a few notes about the dream, I went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling very much rested and refreshed.... I think I needed to cry that much to get past this emotional phase I've been going through. Today I feel great, and I think I will spare a few people from biting their heads off......

tired of tired.
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Noche de Cumbia, Rigo Tovar
I'm tired.
Very tired.
I'm tired of being tired.

So why can't I seem to get enough rest? I used to be the type that could go late nights without ever having any issues - oh yeah, i just remembered - that was 10 years ago! Now, I am literally a mess, a walking disaster if i don't get my sleep, my rest, my downtime, my alone time. I didn't get enough of it this weekend, plus with Auntie F. visiting for a few days; I will be a complete and absolute crank until she's gone. Bleh.

I feel so behind in so many things. I have not had a chance to write to Sandra and let her know that i got her poem. I loved it! I love her work, her poetry is colorful, like freshly opened box of crayola crayons - even when her own inspiration has been during dark moments.

Here is a special poem she sent me last week. It may only mean anything to her and I.... but that's all that really matters. If you copy this, she'll cut you!

- - - - -

Sin ti,
el cafe dulce, calientito y sabroso
que me despierta cada ma?ana
is bitter, cold and tasteless.

Sin ti,
las risas por cuentos raros
y juegos inventados "what if's"
don't exist in my world.

Sin ti,
viajes a lugares desconocidos
en vez de aventura se convierten
in lost moments never to be remembered.

Sin ti,
el perfume de fresia,
los Marlboro Lights y vodka tonics
are not as exotic.

Sin ti,
un sue?o realizado
que me mataria de alegria
was just another day.

Sin ti,
la Castillo no existe,
ni el #3 por telefono,
much less all the initials.

Sin ti,
la vida es normal,
la vida es la misma,
my life needs you.

= = = = =

Written: 09/13/04 SAT


On that note, I will write more tomorrow, I have tons to talk about, including more volley ball stories, K&D's wedding, stupid boys, etc. What?... I never said my life was exciting.

Posted by B. at 11:18 PM PDT

Updated: Monday, 20 September 2004 11:28 PM PDT

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True Lies.
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Club 80's with DJ Lex on Club 977 - iTunes Radio Station
Everyone has lied. I have lied. You have lied. Intentionally, by omission, for protection, whatever the reason - some valid, some necessary, some bullshit. But we've ALL done it.

I have a problem with people lying to me. I have an ever bigger problem with people lying to me when I know they are lying and THEY know they are lying. Yet the conversation continues, as we just lie to each other. I'm not sitting typing this hypocritically saying that I've never lied before, because I have. I do. I will in the future, I'm sure. Do I call them on it? Do I let it go? Do I just beleive it? Do I just not care? Maybe they think the truth hurts and I'm too much of weakling to handle the pain of the truth. Well....for the record, I'd rather take the truth in my face that makes me bleed, kick, scream, or cry than an insult to my intelligence by an obvious lie.

What scares me, though, are those lies where the people have actually convinced themselves that they are telling the truth. I guess it's a good way to deny your own reality. Does that make it a true lie? Maybe they live happier that way. Maybe their life is so full of dark clouds that they HAVE to do that to themselves for protections, for sanity, for momentary happiness. But I suppose I have false expectations; how can I expect a person who's not honest with their own self to be honest with me?

Ok, I am done ranting, now. GAWWWWSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!

Well that was boring and serious.

Fine.

Here... What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. Ok, don't say I didn't make you laugh today!

My name is Betty, and I am a klutz.
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: If I Ain't Got You, Alicia Keys

I am a clumsy. I don't think it's a surprise to anyone. I spill, i trip, I break, I fall, did I mention I spill? Spilling is my accident of choice.

Well, this evening I have managed to:

-burn my finger
-spill a pitcher of water - INSIDE my refrigerator
-drop a knife on my foot
-scratch my leg while pulling my pants up (don't ask)
-break a picture frame after it slipped out my hands

All within 45 minutes.

what's next, I accidentally fall of my balcony?

september 14, 5 years ago.
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Mala Gente, Juanes

How can I ever forget September 14, 1999. Alexander the Great was born!

It was the 2nd day of my new job, when the dr.'s had to take Alex out of his mom's belly. He was already two weeks late! His timing couldn't have been more perfect. Most people take a new job and tell their future employers about pre-planned events and already scheduled time off, weddings, vacations, and important events. I took a new job making sure I could leave at a moments notice upon the birth of my nephew.

He was the most beautiful baby. He made my heart melt. The feeling was so overwhelming for me; I can't imagine what it was to my sister. It was just this wonderful joy that I had never experienced, I couldn't stop staring at him, and all I wanted to do was hold him, kiss him. What I remember the most was his perfectly shaped, rosy red little mouth. Almost as if someone had airbrushed it with the perfect shade of pink. He really was the perfect baby!

Now it's September 14, five years later, and I can't believe he's in kindergarten. He never seizes to amaze me with the wackiest things he says and does. Smart, funny, independent, opinionated, adventurous, and will forever remind me of the wonderful feeling I had when I first saw him. I don't remember life before him, seriously. I don't remember what's it's like not to hear "I wanna go to your apartment" every time I see him. He'll always be my baby, even if he corrects me when I tell him that and reminds me "I'm not a baby, I'm a boy!" You're a baby to me......my baby, my chiquito, bonito, precioso, cosita, mi vida, mi chulo.............always.

Happy 5th Birthday Alex!

Punching, Sweat, and Hip Bones.
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: The Thrill Is Gone, B.B. King

Today was a short long day. The kind of day so slow, where seconds seem like minutes, and minutes are just hours, yet, I am sitting here once again at 11 pm and wondering what the hell happened to the day. Go figure.

A friend talked me into going to a cardio-kick-boxing class today. I'm not very coordinated with anything that requires any choreographed-type movements, so I was a bit skeptical. I typically do those types of workouts in my living room, just Billy Blanks and me. If I am tired, I turn it off. It's that simple. I walked in and met the instructor, she was very nice but I immediately felt awkward. Looking for a spot, I was trying not to stare at the tall anorexic girl with protruding rib cage to match her protruding, and extremely dangerous looking, hipbones. She looked awkward and out of place, maybe she was a newbie too. For all I know she was in the wrong class, thinking it was Yoga. No downward dog in this class, just punches. After I quit staring, I positioned myself in the back of the room; I didn't want to be the obvious newcomer. Well, that didn't work, I was fresh blood for the instructor; "Oh look a newbie who's doing the moves wrong, let's tell her how she's doing it all wrong so that the entire class can hear what a dweeb she is". Well, maybe she didn't mean it that way, I guess I didn't mind so much after about the 5th time she did that. 20 minutes into the class I was very glad I'd gone, it was not too bad. In no time, the 60-minute class was over! How did this go by so fast? But I didn't pass out at minute 38??? I'm not used to time flying at the gym. I normally do my 20 or 30-minute cardio on one of the machines, and I painfully watch the minutes count down in slow motion. There is very little motivation on a stationary machine with repetitive motion. In fact, it's just boring. Needless to say, I think I found a new way to get my cardio in without feeling like a lab rat on a conveyer belt.

Nothingness in my stomach doesn't mean I'm hungry.
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Love Song, The Cure

The weekend just came and went. It was actually a very nice and relaxing weekend. I like this habit that I am getting into of not planning things back to back, it makes the weekend feel like a weekend. It also makes me less tired, which in turns cuts back the amount of time I spend on Monday mornings thinking of excuses of why I should miss work.

On Saturday, the only person I spoke to was the cashier at the fabric store. I liked not having to talk to anyone. I needed a break from people. I think I enjoyed it a bit too much. It was also the first weekend in a long time that I didn't have that desire to be with a guy. I don't mean, "be with", sexually necessarily (but trust me, if I meant that, I'd be specific). Just that need you get when you just need to be around someone of the opposite sex (or same for that matter). In fact, for the first time, I didn't want anything to do with any of the men I have been...... seeing. The gap fillers in my love life, the same love life that seems to be on permanent hold. But I digress. Thoughts of these, gap fillers, didn't seem provoke any feelings in the pit of my stomach as usual. Yes you know, those feelings. They can go both ways, depending on the time of the month. Sometimes those feelings are this combination of anticipation and motivation with a hint of happiness. This is when you usually drunken dial, and the fear of rejection is at an all time low. On the flip side those butterflies in your stomach morph into disgust, frustration, and even anger. The mere mention of their names can cause you to do things you may regret later. You can go either way. Any girl will agree with me. We're weird that way. Saturday, it was nice to just not feel anything. I was totally neutral, just, bleh. Nothingness. It was good, for a change.

On to important things.....

The coolest purchase I made this weekend was this groovy new toy I found while shopping for a b-day present for my nephew. This single player joystick, with 5 original Namco games built in, you plug right into your RCA jacks on the TV, and POOF, a blast to the past in arcade bliss! They have different versions (like Atrari), but I was sold on the one that had Pac-man. This, by far, is the best re-invention. The best $15.89 spent!

Well it's well past 11:00 and promised myself I'd go to bed before midnight tonight. After eating easily over 10,000 calories (damn b-day parties!!!!). Ok, I am exagerating but it sure feels like I did. Now I have this obligation to go to the gym in the morning and get my lazy ass to sweat a bit. Yeah, sure, I'll be there.

Posted by B. at 11:46 PM PDT

Updated: Wednesday, 15 September 2004 8:46 PM PDT

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